Flow

The ups and downs. The chitta and vritti of life.

For me, sometimes the lows are so low I wonder if I will make it back to the surface with the amount of breath I have left. Other times, I know that the hard part I'm going through is only temporary and I'll make it back before long. My highs can be real high. Laughing my head off, smiling uncontrollably, dancing as if no one is watching without a care in the world. My lows are also very low. Placing a lot of blame, the feeling that my heart is breaking inside of my chest, anger in the wrong direction, loss of patience, and deep deep sadness that I hide from others.
And all of those things may happen in the same month, same week, same day. There are days that I cry without warning, about a sadness that I didn't even know I had. I feel down, worried, scared, disappointed, anxious, disjointed, and sad. Within minutes, hours, days, a week... Happiness, joy, bliss, passion, the energy from deep in my soul is released and replenished.

How do you figure out exactly where your flow lives. Where you can release the sadness without judgement. How do I stay true to myself, my wishes, my needs, and not allow others to influence me in a way that is not positive.

I feel like I have so much to say, but then I sit down to write and words are gone. Thoughts are off in other places, and I am incapable of producing the work that I use to so easily activate and release. Where are all the things that I am missing? Working out enough, getting enough sleep, taking care of my skin and body well enough. I am definitely not. There is so much more things that I should be doing for myself, but I am continuously putting others first. Like my dog. Putting her first and not always taking care of myself in the way that I should be. There are so many ways that I could do a better job, and one of those ways is listening to my intuition. My intuition is talking to me and I am not doing the best job listening. I am putting it off to the side and talking a good game instead. I am holding my shit together on the outside, but really I am so sad on the inside. My chest hurts. It constantly drops down into my stomach and I feel a deep deep sadness. Can I honestly contribute this to the relationship I am in or is it connected to so much more than that. Is it really connected to the weather and the fact that the sun is long gone? Is it due to my friends being far away and feeling this loss of not knowing who or what a true friend is. The people that I have been hanging out with are not really my people. The way that they act seems pretty fake. I read through it and I know it, but I am not following how I really feel and saying or acting on that. Instead I keep hanging out and pretend like nothing is happening. Or I talk about them behind their backs, but don't truly express how I actually feel to their face. Their is something about Shope that is so real and we fell into everything so fast and so deep. But I think it fizzled out. It feels like the excitement and adventure is gone.  And maybe we could give it another try someday, but right now I feel like I would really like to be solo again. Searching for the things that I love that really make me happy. Searching for the priorities that make me feel most alive and accomplished, instead of living someone else's priorities.

I'm in a down wave right now. I let myself get here. I rode the wave high high high and didn't check my back while paddling. I followed my heart in a direction of deep unforgettable love, but didn't make sure that it was based on truth, facts, deep seeded intentions. I let it be surface love. The wild kind when you find someone who seems so great, so wonderful, so RIGHT. But it's not right. And I feel it in my gut that something is wrong. I felt it in the spring and should have run away then before it got this deep. I didn't. I stayed and let my heart be tossed, tangled, smushed, fluffed, and then crack. I will be ok. It is always ok. I am a solo artist. I love to be on my own. Make my own choices. Take the dog on a wild adventure with no timeline other than our own. I can focus more on school and the new friends that I am making. There are so many opportunities out there and I have to take all of them. I can't get lost in this one. Put on a shelf because I am not needed at that time, or I am distracting, or I am not enough.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough and I am good, and I am brave, and I am fun, and I am courageous, and I am outspoken, and I am bold. I am not broken. I will fight this. I will fight my sadness, and I will come out better. I will come out stronger. More knowledgeable. I know what I want and I have to stay true to that. I have to honor what my heart really wants. I want to fall in love with me and let myself fall in love with someone who adores me and loves that way that I really am on my own. Not try to tame me or tell me that my job is to stressful or that I should buy certain things or that  I should do certain activities. They will want to do the things I do as much as I want to do the things that they love to do. A partnership without one person controlling the other. They joy that you experience when you are with each other and the excitement you feel before you see each other again. There is hope for me. I may be 30 and the only single one in my family, but there is hope for me. I am going to get through this because I am enough. I am enough on my own. I am enough in my family. I am enough as a teacher. I am enough when I am outside, and I am enough when I am inside. I am enough as a dog owner and I am enough as a lover. I give joy to other people because I am sincere and I am honest where honesty is due. I am passionate about so many things and I am true to my heart. I will grow., and I will listen more. Be more attentive. I will shower more and take care of myself in a way that I truly deserve. I am here. I am outrageously open. I am enough and I will get through this. And it will only be better next time. And then the sun will come back out and I will be ok. I will make it. There are so many positive things around me. Keep your chin up. Love is all around you.